It's such a relief how far I have come from this...
Dec 28th 2009
Another year ending with the hope that the next one will be better. People have said I've grown, changed for the better...but I still feel like I'm 12 years old, scared of the world and myself. Depression consumes me and my anxiety level has increased dramatically since 2006. I'm taking Klonopin twice a day so I can sorta function. I have no energy, no passion, no desire to see friends or even try to maintain those friendships. I want to quit my band. I never thought I would, I have worked so hard to be a respected member of dreamtiger. James wrote me today, wants me to drive to LA on Wednesday to record vocals for the album. I feel nothing but resentment for James. I kept hoping things would change...but now I need to change. I love singing but dreamtiger has been complete mind fuck. I would be a masochist to stay. How many times will I put my hand in the fire before I learn it burns?
I'm gong to be 30 in 6 months. I can't even wrap my head around that. I don't feel that old. I haven't lived enough to be 30. When I look back on my life its one trauma after the other. Abuse, sickness, death, fear, loss, and pain. Life has been nothing but a struggle. Right now I'm struggling to keep my sanity. Depression steals your life and hope. That will drive to do unbelievably destructive things, how can you trust yourself in that state? I look for reassurance in the people around me. One thing I must say is that I have an incredible support system in my family. My mother, grandmother and lately my father very have made it very clear Im loved and will fight to save my life.
Me and My fiance's story is so convoluted but there is so much love there. Love is really all that matters to me. Honestly, what is the point of living without it?
I didn't do anything today but start Journaling. Well, I made myself food with a vegetable too. I don't eat well. I usually beat myself up for not writing a novel, painting a masterpiece, saving a cat..whatever. Being productive. I need to be nicer to myself. Right now my head is sick. When you are sick you need to take time getting better. I started, so I can feel good about that.
Change takes time. What else do I have right now but time. I'm going to keep trying until my last breath.
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3 comments:
change does take time. and patience. and learning. i'm glad you're not there anymore either!
Love you lady
your experience is so true that many in the world would have past through it at least a bit. your words surely give them a confidence of not being strange to it and help console. and i support irene joy too
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