Blog post I never wanted to post

It's such a relief how far I have come from this...

Dec 28th 2009

Another year ending with the hope that the next one will be better. People have said I've grown, changed for the better...but I still feel like I'm 12 years old, scared of the world and myself. Depression consumes me and my anxiety level has increased dramatically since 2006. I'm taking Klonopin twice a day so I can sorta function. I have no energy, no passion, no desire to see friends or even try to maintain those friendships. I want to quit my band. I never thought I would, I have worked so hard to be a respected member of dreamtiger. James wrote me today, wants me to drive to LA on Wednesday to record vocals for the album. I feel nothing but resentment for James. I kept hoping things would change...but now I need to change. I love singing but dreamtiger has been complete mind fuck. I would be a masochist to stay. How many times will I put my hand in the fire before I learn it burns?
I'm gong to be 30 in 6 months. I can't even wrap my head around that. I don't feel that old. I haven't lived enough to be 30. When I look back on my life its one trauma after the other. Abuse, sickness, death, fear, loss, and pain. Life has been nothing but a struggle. Right now I'm struggling to keep my sanity. Depression steals your life and hope. That will drive to do unbelievably destructive things, how can you trust yourself in that state? I look for reassurance in the people around me. One thing I must say is that I have an incredible support system in my family. My mother, grandmother and lately my father very have made it very clear Im loved and will fight to save my life.
Me and My fiance's story is so convoluted but there is so much love there. Love is really all that matters to me. Honestly, what is the point of living without it?

I didn't do anything today but start Journaling. Well, I made myself food with a vegetable too. I don't eat well. I usually beat myself up for not writing a novel, painting a masterpiece, saving a cat..whatever. Being productive. I need to be nicer to myself. Right now my head is sick. When you are sick you need to take time getting better. I started, so I can feel good about that.

Change takes time. What else do I have right now but time. I'm going to keep trying until my last breath.

I forgot I had a blaaaaag

One bottle of Chardonnay and it's only 9pm...I like to pretend I have an English accent while writing. I some how seem more charming and interesting that way. Perhaps you can pretend I have an accent while reading. It might make all the difference.
I am now 6 months away from being 32 years old. I have made some accomplishments that a "grown up" might make during this time...I am married and I live in a house with a mortgage in the suburbs. Two cats...no children, yet. I am still clinging on to my "Lost Boys" state of mind. I don't really act like an adult or feel like one, but I can play the part. I might be the most irresponsible adult that I know. I am looking for a new band to sing in. I make my living as an artist and I am still idealistic! Making art and music and having a good time are my top priorities at the moment...I am pretty sure my 30's ARE the best years of my life thus far.

*Cough*

I desperately need a mental health week. A week for meditation. A concentrated mind set to block out any stress. Being "productive" is a constant problem for me. If I am not succeeding, I'm failing. I can't see through the walls that I build when I feel as though I am not living up to the high expectations I have for myself. My body told me I needed a break in the form of a heart arrhythmia. I spent all day in bed trying not to scare myself in to a full blown anxiety attack. I have had them before, usually during times of great change, depression or stress.
I need time to evaluate my situation. Get out of my routine and try new things. Giving yourself permission to regroup is so important. I hope I learn something during this time alloted.

My Kinda Girl

The first time I heard a girl sing in a punk rock band I got a raging boner. My boyfriend at the time handed me his head phones and said "You're gonna like this". It was "Oh bondage, up yours" by The X-Ray Spex. Polly Styrene screeched and screamed! She hit notes that made me want to kick trash cans and get in fights with dudes! I was 16 and I KNEW I wanted to be like her music made me feel. Empowered, strong...The Runaways sang "I want to be where the boys are". I wanted to be where the girls were! Where were my kick ass woman?
Being 17 is pretty lame. The boys just want to fuck you and most girls transitioning are to0 insecure to ask what they want or need form ANYONE! I felt alone growing up. My punk rock boy friends would make fun of bands like "Bikini Kill" or "L7". The only riot gurls I knew where the fucked up drug addicts, not really in to doing much else. I gave up and went Goth. I listened to Bauhaus and cursed this ridiculous world I obviously wasn't EVER going to be a part of.
Being a girl, a young girl, a woman and elderly woman is fucking brutal. I have been called a stupid slut when dressed provocatively. This was not to entice men, I really didn't give a fuck about getting extra dick. I had a boyfriend. This was for me! Every attempt I made to express myself was shot down. Whore, Slut, Stupid, Tease, Attention Whore...This made me recoil even more in to the shell built by self hating, insecure boys and girls.
Today as a 30 year old woman I still strive to be assertive and honest with what I want and need. A 15 year battle, a battle I'm winning. I can't lie, when I meet a woman with integrity, intelligence and will kick your fucking ass and fuck whom she wants my heart lights up! It's hard but there are some amazing woman out there, and I will totally fuck you!

Xoxo
Desiree

Changes

I died my hair red. Bad choice for a natural blond with a cool complexion. I'm on this very strict diet because I'm getting married in June. I want to look awesome in a wedding dress. I could go on about how hard this has been for me. Wedding, diet, dealing with mom...but there is far too much to expand on. I want to save you readers from the incidentals. The date is set for June 18th of this year. The day before my 31st birthday. I have a lot to celebrate. I have never been happier as far as my relationship with Garth. This is a joyful time for both of us. We will have been together for 10 years this October. It's an amazing feeling for me. I'm marrying my best friend. I am beyond happy about this new, exciting step in our lives.

Let them eat "my" cake

Cake made from scratch is always better.

Are All Men Pedo Bears?

According to scientists in the universities of Regensburg and Rostock in Germany. Research there on facial beauty has revealed that baby features are a characteristic of attractive male and female faces.

Perfect Beauty According to New Research in Germany

The scientists are running an online experiment on their website, inviting you to rate the faces yourself. The faces of supermodel Kate Moss and the French actress Brigitte Bardot are featured as examples of beautiful babyish faces.

Baby faces are characterized by:

• Large eyes
• Big forehead
• Small, short nose
• Small chin

Published by Anita Saran

It makes sense that men would be attracted to these features. Looking young indicates a fertile and healthy person.

There is a lot of evidence to support this theory if you look in to it more.